tough love

this past weekend 

i took part in Dee Donaldson's 3 day drawing workshop. 

it has taken me a while to gather myself and my thoughts since...

i'm not sure i can put words to it yet but i will give it a try: 

it was amazing, tough, exhausting and enlightening. 

i have never done anything creative or related to art harder than this. 

Dee wasn't asking for pretty drawings with nice shading.

she wanted a rawness, gut responses, she wanted us to dig deeper, to play, 

to rely on sensation rather than thoughts. 

and that was so hard... i wrestled with myself a lot of the time; 

with the conditioned parts of me who wanted to make a pretty but emotionless drawing, 

with the part of me that wanted to do it "right", 

the part of me that wanted to know what was "expected of me". 

my head and thoughts struggled to let go of what i "should" be drawing 

but here and there in the course i had little glimpses of what it is 

like to "respond from my gut", to let it come up from deep inside of me. 

the drawings i share here are the ones where i feel i dropped deeper and trusted that 

i could respond... such an incredible, fleeting feeling. 

i feel that these three days have rocked my arting world 

and will bring many changes to my practice. 

i feel the need to go inward,  to dig deep to hopefully discover what my creative voice really, really

looks like. 

i feel as if i'm standing at a doorway not sure of what is coming just yet. 

update...

remember my wild bunch paintings from earlier this year? 

they were part of a group exhibition at the Loading Bay in Durban. 

well... it is a little "cringy" for my ego to admit but none of them sold... 

so i took them back home and left them in the garage for a few months.

i unpacked them and had a good honest look at them yesterday, 

and i do like them, they felt alive and wild. 

it was good to see them with fresh eyes again. 

i'm not sure why they didn't sell, i could come up with many reasons

and excuses but that wouldn't make a difference. 

of course it has been a great learning experience, 

 and i learnt a few good lessons along the way. 

one of them being: "don't take it personally, it is what it is, 

get back up and keep going, keep showing up, keep doing what you love."

oh and i keep repeating to myself, just like on the opening night... 

Brene Brown's mantra: "don't shrink, don't puff up, just stand your sacred ground."

now that i've cleared the air ;) 

i have put my bouquets in my Etsy shop, it's all pretty and updated. 

(PS: my feeling is that they were priced a little too high at the exhibition, so i reduced the prices slightly) 

back at it...

i'm still drawing...

doing the same exercises. 

30 seconds quick drawings, 

than 1 minute to 5 minutes. 

below are some quick 30 seconds faces

and then i went to 20 minutes drawings. 

the idea is not to add more but rather to focus on certain area of the face,

 to say more with less... 

as much as i understand the concept intellectually 

i can't seem to put it into practice... 

i get going with the drawing and soon get completely caught up in 

adding ALL the details as oppose to editing, which is really what 

i would love to do! 

so it's back to the drawing board as they say... 

oh and below it's Picasso turned Pope Jean-Paul II :) 

weiiiiiird!!!

tonight...

tonight is the night of the opening of the group show i am part of... 

it feels so vastly different to my last exhibition, 

i feel pretty calm and here are a few reasons why this might be: 

- it's not a solo exhibition so i don't feel that the spot light will be on me only and that 

feels so much less pressured. 

- this was a quick, impulsive decision, i had 3 weeks from the time i agreed to be part of it

 until the delivery of the paintings. so i had no time to agonise over whether what i had done 

was enough, it just had to happen, without the mind and the gremlins getting too involved. 

- and lastly i had so much fun doing these 8 paintings, i kept rotating them, moving on 

when something didn't work. the movement kept it fresh and interesting for me, 

a bit like dance really, and all that really suits my "busy bee/bit of this bit of that/inquisitive 

personality. 

so all that said, tonight is the night and i'm looking forward to see my mad bunches up on the wall

i also have no idea what to expect... but i will keep reminding myself of  Brené Brown's mantra: 

"don't shrink, don't puff up, just stand your sacred ground."

and i might add: stay open. 

see you on the other side... 

the word

so this is my word for 2016: OPEN. 

at first i had the word "explore" 

and then just like that OPEN made it's way into my psyche and wouldn't leave. 

to be honest, right now, i wish i had kept "explore". 

i'm having a hard time getting acquainted with OPEN.

here i am trying to figure out why: 

- firstly because it feels like a passive word, 

not doing,  just being open, 

and i realise how much i value doing. 

it's a big part of my persona, my worthiness, the way i show up 

in the world. 

- secondly being OPEN is not really my natural state. 

you probably wouldn't think so if you met me, i can be pretty 

outgoing and engaging but it takes me a long time to really trust 

and open my shell up to someone. 

also i am a loner and an introvert so my private and alone time

is sacred to me, that is how i recharge. 

- thirdly OPEN feels very vulnerable... like there is nowhere to hide, 

no escape plan.

of course "explore" could have been more fun.

but i can feel how OPEN is challenging me already, 

pushing my boundaries, 

making me expand. 

and ultimately this is what i want, to be OPEN to new possibilities, 

to possibilities i haven't even imagined yet... 

to grow, to explore, to learn. 

so i will stay with it and be all i can to honour this word this year. 

OPEN, onward.

beginning...

welcome to 2016 beautiful people! 

this is where my mister and i spent the end of one year 

and the beginning of another.

hidden right at the end of that road. 

this forest house, our home for a week, 

away from the madness of the festive season,

it was absolute bliss... 

i finished my 1faceaday challenge while i was there, 

(above is the almost finish december spread) 

what a peaceful place to finish.

(even though i had to mission out of the forest daily to share it) 

i tried to end mindfully, saying goodbye and thank you to this big project, 

feeling content about this incredible experience 

and then letting it go. 

 i even had some fun creative play while i was there, 

without a face in it ;) 

 once back home i felt the gap of not painting daily, 

i missed the organized rhythm i had in place last year 

and felt a bit nostalgic. 

i still don't feel fully engaged in this new year, 

not really sure where i'm going with it. 

but i'm giving myself some space to just be

and see what will unfold. 

ps: a little update, i'm just reading about the New Moon today
and that might explain why i haven't felt engaged in the year yet ;)
thought i would share it in case you feel the same...

into the last month...

and into december we go... 

i'll be honest, this has been the toughest month so far. 

i've been intrigued as to why that is

and here are a few reasons that seem to make sense: 

- i can smell the end...  i'm not particularly good at completing 

things. i'm more a "new beginnings" kind of person. 

- the pressure if off... i'm done with the exhibition which means 

i could be taking a break but i need to keep going with my daily faces

and it's taken me a bit more courage and stamina 

than it did while i was in full arting mode. 

- i'm less organized... while getting ready for the show i was super

organized and efficient at planning my studio hours 

and life in general. 

now i am in holiday mode, 

 and while i like the relaxed freedom of it 

i realized that my creativity needs a bit of structure and routine. 

- i'm resisting the end... as much as i am looking forward to ticking off 

the 365 faces, there is a part of me that is slightly daunted with 

the "and now?" part of finishing such a big challenge. 

what am i going to paint? what am i going to share? 

will i still create as much? 

how will it feel not to have that commitment every day? 

(clearly this is a big one :) ) 

but then again, i'm rushing ahead. 

something i do often. 

the year is not over, and the next step will appear.

deep trust. 

stay present. stay present. stay present...

not done yet

no i haven't fallen off the face of the earth.

 Lies Behind, my exhibition

was such a big experience for me i feel like i'm not done talking about it yet.

even though we took it down last saturday. 

i'm not ready to move on...

so for now i'll share a few pics from the opening night.

thank you Lau for the photos!

this is Karen on the left, opening Roz Cryer's (she is in the middle) exhibition 

and mine (i'm on the right). 

i had some cards and postcards made for the event, 

i love stationary and i couldn't miss this opportunity to have my own! 

the workbench that i use in my studio got a facelift and became centre piece 

for the flowers and stationary. 

also it was the perfect storage option for it

 while we had visitors staying in my studio/guest room ;) 

thank you Sonja for the superb bouquet! 

and then family (thank you for coming O+M) , 

friends and strangers started arriving... 

even some "serious" art "critics" :) 

my dear Jeanne Marie aka Flowrsinherhair  

all the way from Cape Town

 artist Lara Mellon who's work i've admired for a long time  

sharing her thoughts on my work.

and from then on i was on a complete high 

(as you can see!) 

and had the most fabulous evening! 

good enough?

about a week ago i started these 4 new paintings. 

i had in mind to paint 4 mamas inspired from my daily faces 

but in a lager size for the exhibition,

just to make sure i would have enough to show.

but the truth is... i have run out of steam. 

they are just not working, not coming along the way i imagined them, 

not really fitting with the rest of the work. 

 

i'm all painted out... 

not for the smaller daily one, they seem to still be flowing. 

but for the larger work.

so for now i just have to trust that i've done enough.

i feel like i've given it my all,

and i need to trust that that is enough. 

next month!

and just like that it is october... 

i've been busy with more work in the studio, 

 paintings in progress for my upcoming exhibition which is... NEXT month!!! 

at the moment i am busy with the logistics of it all. 

trips to the framer and the printer; 

choosing, photographing, pricing and naming the paintings etc. 

it all feels surreal and "grown up".

i'm getting very excited and impatient to see it all up in the gallery. 

my show opens on the 16th of November at 6pm

 at artSpace Durban

please save the date because of course i would looooove to see you there! 

 it runs until the 5th of december. 

invites coming soon :) 

keep on keeping on

lots of paintings in progress in my studio. 

i won't lie i'm feeling a little overwhelmed about my exhibition.

not about painting really but rather about the concept, the title, the artist statement... 

all those things i know pretty much nothing about.

i suppose that's part of the learning curve! 

deep breaths, keep on showing up... 

and as Julia Cameron says in the Artist's Way:

"Take care of the quantity, the Universe will take care of the quality." 

deep trust